The Best Man

I answered my phone. On the other end of the line was my best friend.

“I’m getting married,” he said.

Of course he was. I knew this was going to happen when he first began dating his now-fiance. Everyone did. He was truly taken with her from day one. It was good to hear him so happy. We had grown up together and now he was going to be starting a family. This was big.

“And you’re going to be the best man,” he said. “I’ll call you later on tonight.”

Click. I guess he had a lot of calls to make.

I was excited! I had been in a handful of weddings, but I knew this was the only one I’d ever be asked to handle the best man duties. There was a natural order with the friends I grew up with. Growing up, it was determined early on who was going to be performing the duties in our eventual weddings. We were all great friends, but had a symmetry about us . Matt and I had known each other the longest. Josh and Robbie were really close growing up. Justin and his brother were only a year apart in age. Todd would never get married. Todd did inappropriate things. His inappropriateness was indelible. It stuck around.

The news was icing on the cake for me. Things were really rolling now. I was receiving a lot of exposure writing for the newspaper. I was making a lot of extra money bartending on the beach and I had a knockout girlfriend who was as intelligent as she was beautiful. Finally it seemed, I was getting my shit together.

Naturally, being the best man meant I had to plan the bachelor party. There was no time to waste, as my friend’s courtship of his bride-to-be was a brief one. His engagement would be even shorter, so I had to get going sooner than later. I lived on the coast, some 800 miles away from the site of the party. Luckily I would have plenty of help from my friends.

The next day, I got started. I called Josh to brainstorm. Only one of us had gotten married, so the planning of bachelor parties was still a new phenomenon. I figured we would keep it simple and low-key. Matt enjoyed a good time, but he was definitely more reserved than most of us. He wouldn’t want a spectacle, just a solid fun night.

The plan came together easy. Justin had a good position at Anheuser-Busch. He could arrange a VIP tour of the Budweiser brewery for us, then we could all go for dinner in the city. Afterwards, I figured we could cross the river and check out some of the strip clubs on the east side. Drinking and lapdances, that’s what bachelor parties were all about, right? Josh recognized a problem right away.

“There’s no way we’ll make it to the east side. Who is going to be able to drive us home?” Josh asked.

It was a valid question. No one would want to be a designated driver that night. None of our friends would make that sacrifice for a bachelor party. There was no point in even asking. A cab was out of the question. The east side was a solid 30-40 minute drive from our neighborhood and none of my friends including myself were necessarily rolling in funds. The VIP tour was free. The dinner we could keep affordable. The strip club was going to be expensive enough. Cabbing ten people across the state line just wasn’t going to work.

“I had a different idea,” Josh said. “My brother is going out of town. He doesn’t mind if we use the house. We just have to clean it up afterwards. Everyone can crash there that needs to stay. No one will have to drive and we won’t have to pay for any drinks.”

“But the strip clubs are where the strippers are,” I said. “How are we going to get strippers to your brother’s house?”

“You’re the best man, that’s your job,” Josh said. “I know you can get the strippers worked out.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“You’re the one who dates them,” Josh laughed. “Just use your hooker network to get some girls to the party.”

I had “dated” a stripper for a week. Her name was Dawn. I met her while I was covering a hockey game for the newspaper. She was sitting near the media booth and began a conversation with me by asking how I got my job. She said she had always wanted to be a journalist. She was sharp and confident, so much so I figured she was one of the players’ girlfriends. She asked about deadlines and how stories came together so quickly. I offered to read some of her stuff and it went from there. We exchanged numbers and I met up with her two days later. We just walked around a park and talked. She wasn’t straightforward with her occupation, and I didn’t even figure out what she did for a living until our second date. I broke it off when I dropped her off at her apartment after our third date. She calmly stated she never invited me inside her place because her boyfriend had just moved in. That was going to be a problem.

“Dawn, I’m not sure we’re going to be able to see each other anymore,” I said solemnly. “I’m really sorry, it’s just the whole boyfriend thing you know? I don’t know if”

“No shit, Jeremy,” Dawn cut me off. “That’s why I told you.”

“Oh.”

Perhaps she broke it off with me.

Because of my experience with Dawn, I was a supposed natural to my friends for finding girls to get naked for money. I didn’t appreciate the sentiment.

I lived 12 hours away. Luckily, finding women to come to your house and take off their clothes for money really isn’t that hard. I did a Google search and within five minutes I had found a professional site that contracted out entertainers nationwide. There were lots of pictures of attractive women in bikinis and polewear. I wasn’t so naive to expect a model to show up at our doorstep but in the best interests of the party I wanted to make sure we weren’t left holding the bag(s), literally.

I emailed the site. I wanted to know what we could expect. I had never done anything close to this before. I needed details.

I received a reply almost immediately. We would receive “lovely ladies”. They would provide their own music and entertain the party for one hour. Strict professionalism while maintaining a lively atmosphere. Bouncers would arrive with the women for their protection. Satisfaction guaranteed. Sounded good enough for me. $200 for one stripper or $300 for two (what a deal!).

Well, as long as the ladies were going to be lovely. Really can’t beat that. I went ahead and made the reservation for two dancers. The party was still a month away and everything was set. Josh and Justin handled the tour and the dinner. I had procured the entertainment. I smiled as I turned off my computer.

Matt was going to have the best bachelor party ever.

I got on the plane and took my seat. A short flight to Atlanta then the connector to my hometown. The plane sped down the runway and we lifted off into the sky. As soon as we hit cruising altitude I heard a loud thud come from under the plane. The aisle in front of me tore out from under us, exposing the sky. The plane was splitting in half. People were ripped out of their seats all around me. I began to scream. We were all going to die.

I shook awake. I was terrified. You know those nightmares you have that feel so real? So vivid it takes you a second to realize it was all a dream and you’re okay? It came at the worst possible time as I was flying out for the bachelor party that night. I tried to tell myself it was just a dream but it was unshakable.

To this day, there are three nightmares in my life I will never forget and the plane crash is one of them. The second one I had when I was a kid. A roller coaster rolled itself right off the tracks. Pretty standard I guess. I don’t even want to talk about the third one. There are plenty of stories out there about people having premonitions about planes crashing and things of that nature. I was anxious.

The dream freaked me the fuck out.

My parents were giving me a ride to the airport. I was on the last flight out of town that night, so I had all day to to think about my dream. I arrived at their house and was pacing back and forth. I was visibly nervous even though I felt stupid over my anxiety. I didn’t really believe the plane was going to crash but the dream was so vivid it was making me visibly tense. I couldn’t escape it. All I could think about was my nightmare. My father could tell something was wrong with me. My mind had worked itself up to a point where I felt like throwing up. He asked what was bothering me, so I told him about the dream. He seemed understanding, but didn’t offer any advice. He just listened.

Thirty minutes later, we were at the airport. I got out of car, grabbed my duffel bag and hugged my mom and dad. My father handed me a couple white pills with strict instructions.

“Break one of these in half and take it about 30 minutes before you get on the plane,” my father said. “You can take the other half before you get on your connecting flight in Atlanta. You shouldn’t have a problem after that. You can do the same thing for the flights home, ok?”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said. I told both of my parents I loved them and walked into the airport.

I went over to the water fountain, ate both of the pills and headed to the bar.

The clerk made the announcement at the gate. My plane to Atlanta had engine trouble. There was another plane that would take us, but it was currently flying in from another town and we would have to wait for it to arrive in order to leave. There was no way I would make my connecting flight. I was going to end up spending the night at the Atlanta airport before catching a 6 a.m. flight to my hometown. There were groans and grumpy mumbles from most of the people in the gate. I didn’t mind. I had no problem with the thought of spending the night in an airport. I couldn’t understand why people seemed so upset. All of the thoughts that had dominated my day had dissipated. The weight I had carried on my shoulders was nowhere to be found. I smiled. Everything felt so good.

I stood up to get something and eat and…whoa. I felt a giant head rush. A giggled a little bit and sat back down. I turned to the kid sitting next to me and looked him in the eyes.

“I am sitting right here,” I said. I slammed by hands down on the armrests. “I am not going anywhere.”

The kid just stared back at me nervously. Giddiness washed over my face and my lips slowly morphed into a giant, shit-eating grin. I was just feeling good, but my wide-eyed smile was open to interpretation by the kid. To this day I’m sure he’s somewhere out there still haunted by my face.

Good God, I was high. What had my father doped me up with? I was powerless to fight it off, and why would I want to anyway? This warmth came over my entire body. I felt so loose. I was going to enjoy the ride, but this was bad timing. I was all by myself out in public hopped up on some sort of tranquilizer with hours of partying scheduled the next day. I spent the rest of the delay listening to music and singing to whoever happened to walk by me.

Finally, it was time to board the plane. I made my way down the aisle to my window seat above the wing on the left side of the plane. As I approached my row, I recognized the two girls sitting in the seats in front of me but I couldn’t place them. I also recognized the man I was going to be sitting next to but couldn’t remember who he was either.

I pointed to my seat without saying anything. The man got up from his seat to let me in. I sat down and felt my body melt into the seat. I was about to snooze when I heard someone talking to me in a soothing tone. I looked up and the voice was coming from the speaker. The flight attendant had begun her safety spiel. Mouth agape, I stretched my body forward to see her over the seats in front of me. She sounded like my guardian angel. I was captivated by her elegance and grace. I tried to lead the plane in a round of applause for her when she finished her performance but evidently I was on a flight with a bunch of theatre snobs. I would’ve given her a standing ovation but I did what I was told and had put my seat belt on.

“She’s so talented,” I sighed.

“I’ve seen better,” my neighbor piped in. “I was on a flight one time where the flight attendant rapped the instructions.”

“Amateur shit,” I retorted. “It’s an important piece of information. She may have just saved our lives.”

He laughed. He thought I was joking. I had never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

“You write for the newspaper, don’t you?” he asked.

My head was spinning. I stared at him for a second.

“Yes. I do the hockey team.”

“Yeah I know but I’ve seen you at their games too,” the man said. He pointed at the seats in front of us. I remembered where I knew the girls from. They played softball for one of the local high schools. I helped cover the playoffs every year after the hockey season concluded.

“My daughter and her teammate. We’re going on a recruiting trip to the University of Memphis you know,” he said. He was beaming the way any proud father would.

“I did not know that, but I think it’s great,” I said. “They can dream it, they can achieve it or something.”

With that, I put my sunglasses on and got ready to nod off.

“Do you think we have a chance to win state this year?” the father wondered. “You know I think we can really do some things if the girls hit the way they did last year and…”

I had done it now. I had engaged him in conversation and he was going to keep talking about his daughter’s softball team the entire flight. This happened to me quite a bit actually. Being a sportswriter meant a lot of people thought I had a vested interest in the athletic exploits of the city’s high school athletes. I generally enjoyed the passing conversations but I was in no state to talk. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I couldn’t care less about his daughter, her teammate, their school, who would win state that year or most importantly that I was high as fuck. I sat in the front row at their games because that’s what I got paid to do not because I was a high school softball sex-offender fanboy.

He was still talking. I had to end this conversation before it got out of hand. I was closer to drooling on myself than having a legitimate conversation with somebody. I interrupted his softball monologue.

“You know what? I think your daughter might be able to go pro.”

“Really? I didn’t even know they had pro softball leagues.”

“I think I just made it up,” I said.

“Why do you say that?”

I didn’t have a reason. I had to pass out.

“Because life, you know? It’s so rad.”

I held my finger up. Life was rad. I knew I had just said some zen shit. The pills had given me total clarity. I tipped my sunglasses up to make eye contact with him and smiled. Then I slowly put my sunglasses down and reclined my seat back.

“I’m not sure I follow you,” the father said.

I didn’t respond. I fell asleep seconds later. I’m glad I wasn’t on the high school beat anymore.

The plane landed in Atlanta. I didn’t wake up until half the plane had cleared out, which was probably for the best since that meant I didn’t have to engage Softball Dad again.

I wandered the terminal until I made my way to one of the food courts where from the looks of it about a hundred people would be attempting to sleep that night. I was lucky right off the bat, finding a cushioned seat on which to sleep. Some travelers were going to have to make do on the floor. I threw my bag down on the chair and took out several shirts. I laid them across the back of the seat and the armrests to mark my territory, shoved the bag under the chair and looked around to see if there were any places still open to grab something to eat. It was two in the morning local time and I was starving. I had eaten a bowl of cereal and two granola bars all day. No wonder I was so loopy. I saw the burger joint was still open and immediately a cheeseburger was all I ever wanted. I shuffled towards the counter with my arms out for balance.

“We are closed! What we have left is all we have!” the cashier shouted.

Why was he shouting at me? I was standing right in front of him. I held my hands out and made the “settle down” motion.

“Relax, we’re all friends here,” I said.

“What you want?” he asked.

“I will have…..five cheeseburgers.” I held up five fingers with punky flair. He may have thought I was trying to high-five him.

“I only got four left,” he said.

“I will have…..” I put out four fingers. “Four cheeseburgers.”

I paid the man and started to walk off.

“You’re all out?” A woman was pleading with the cashier. There had been people behind me. That’s who he had been shouting at to make sure they understood once the food was gone, it was gone. I hadn’t realized this when I cleaned them out. I’m not sure I would’ve cared.

“That guy just bought the last burgers left,” he said.

I turned around to see a lady shooting a nasty glare my way. I clutched my sack of grease close to my chest. I swear if she had said anything to me I would’ve hissed at her.

I returned to my chair and began my meal. The burgers were the last ones left at the end of a long day at a fast food joint. However I was still so high they were the greatest thing I had ever tasted. I couldn’t get enough. I was halfway through the first when I unwrapped another and started munching down on that one as well. I had a burger in each hand, alternating bites with each being more satisfying than the last. I was unconditionally happy. I had survived the day. I imagined myself as the prince of the food court. My giant robot bird delivered me to Atlanta safely and the burgers were my welcoming feast. My meaty nirvana built up bite by bite until my satisfaction frothed over. I stood up, looked to the sky and raised the half-eaten burgers over my head. Then I began waving them around in victory. I needed everyone to see this. My finest hour had arrived.

The woman from the burger counter who had silently chastised me was staring me down from across the food court. She had small children.

“That’s right!” I yelled.

I sat back down in my throne and pumped my last bite in the air before popping it in my mouth.

“It looks like you enjoyed your midnight snack.”

I looked over to my left. There was a woman, probably a couple years older than me.

“I think you made a little bit of a mess,” she teased.

I looked down at my shirt and…damn it. Pickles and onions were strewn across my chest. Ketchup had spurted across my shirt. Whole pieces of tomato littered the floor around me. Half a meat patty was in my lap. I must have flung it all when I was waving my food above my head in celebration. Just shit everywhere. To a passerby it had to have appeared as if I had thrown up on myself.

I did not care. I looked back at my airport sleep buddy, wiped my mouth with my sleeve and shrugged my shoulders.

“If I snore, just hit me,” I said.

I put on my sunglasses, reclined back in my chair and passed out.

WHHHRRRRRRRRRR
WHHHRRRRRRRRRR
WHHHRRRRRRRRRR
WHHHRRRRRRRRRR

A consistent, chugging noise awakened me. I remained in my seat with my eyes closed. I waited for it to go away. It only got louder.

WHHHRRRRRRRRRR
WHHHRRRRRRRRRR
WHHHRRRRRRRRRR

I opened my eyes and saw an older gentleman. He was working an oversized shop vac through the food court. There was a team of them, working with no regard for the people crashed out all around them. But this one particular gentleman was right next to me, sweeping near my legs. He was clearing my burger slop. I checked my phone to see what time it was. 3:30 a.m. I had been out for maybe an hour. There were people sleeping all around me. Why did this army of vacuums and floor buffers descend upon my shanty town? Did the janitors of the Atlanta airport have no decency for its sleeping citizens? Someone had to put a stop to this nonsense. I waved my arms at the inquisitor.

“Good sir you must stop,” I protested. “All of this is yours if you stop.”

I collected the pieces of burger off my chest and held them out to him with both hands as a peace offering. He ignored me. What an asshole.

“We are sleeping. Sleeeeep. Sleeeeep. Ieeng.” I pleaded.

I shook my head back and forth in a combination of confusion and delirium.

“You have to stop. You have to…stop. Why….why….oh God whyyyyy…”

I paused for strength before I pulled myself to my feet.

“WHY ARE YOU FUCKING DOING THIS TO ME?!?!”

That got his attention, but he didn’t say anything. Just kept on with his cunty vacuuming evil.

I fell back into my seat and passed out again.

I made it onto my flight home without incident. The couple hours of sleep I was able to get in the food court worked wonders. I was extremely tired but at least the spell the pills had over me was broken. Josh was at the airport to pick me up at 7 a.m. He could see I looked rough. I chalked it up to having to sleep in an airport. I didn’t tell him about the pills or how some frightful man tried to kill me in the middle of the night. The VIP tour of the brewery was scheduled to start at 3 p.m. I was able to go back to Josh’s place and grab a shower and a few hours of sleep.

Matt was excited when we met up at the brewery that afternoon. He was impressed by what we had put together and he only knew about the tour and the dinner. He prodded me to tell him what else we had planned but I wanted to keep it a surprise. Besides, I wasn’t taking the chance of him telling his fiance what we were doing that night and having the entire thing come crashing down.

Little known fact: The VIP tour of the Budweiser brewery? Not much of a tour. The official tour they take you through the entire operation and at the end you get 10-15 minutes to try different beers. Half of it you don’t want. Yeah you could sample the obscure stuff like Bud Dry or Busch Ice but who wants that bullshit?

The VIP tour? You check out the operations for about ten minutes, go look at the Clydesdales for a bit then go back to a party room and pour as much beer down your gullet as you can handle. A perfect situation for our purposes.

The time at the brewery was terrific. We sat around a gigantic party room and told jokes and stories about Matt. The brewery brought in a whole bunch of test beers for us to sample. It was good to see everyone and of course Matt was having a great time. Justin had really knocked it out of the park. The only downside occurred when we were led outside to see the Clydesdales. Huge, majestic horses. Problem for us, it was chow time for the horses so instead of getting to view the historic animals we got to view a row of horses asses. Wondrous. We were so buzzed no one really minded. One of them took a giant dump which Todd enjoyed.

“That looks like it feels so good,” Todd said.

I was so used to telling Todd to watch what he said but you know what? He was right. Lucky horse.

My phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize. It had to be the strippers. I walked away from the group before I answered the call.

“Is this Jeremous?”

“This is Jeremy.”

“Ohhhh, it’s Jeremy not Jeremous. HARHARHARHAR!” She collected herself. “Well hey Jeremous are you ready to party?” she cooed.

Wow, she did sound lovely. The donkey-laugh in the middle notwithstanding, she sounded like she was truly ready to party. And Jeremous? Somebody knows what they’re naming their son! Or daughter! (Not me, perhaps someone reading this.)

“Oh yeah! We are ready to par-tay with you lay-days!” I yelled into the phone. Act like you’ve been there, you know what I mean?

“You sound like it! Me and my friend are feeling a little crazy. Where are we gonna get crazy tonight?” she asked.

I gave her directions to the house without screaming at her. My work was done. The only thing left to do was make sure Matt had a great time. Our group went back into the party room and continued to booze it up until it was time to go to dinner.

Dinner was nice. Everyone was on their best behavior since Matt’s family was in attendance. We toasted his impending nuptials and enjoyed a good meal. Just in time as well, since lord knows how much liability we exposed the brewery to with our drinking. We got our money’s worth out of the tour let’s just say that. I realize it was free, just a figure of speech. Matt’s father was gracious enough to serve as a designated driver. It was time for the main event. We would all get back to Josh’s brother’s house with about an hour to spare before the strippers arrived.

Somehow along the way Josh and I decided it would be nice to get the strippers something as a party gift. Nevermind we had already spent three hundred dollars just to procure their services and had another two hundred one-dollar bills ready to scatter over their naked bodies. For some ungodly reason we had to make sure the strippers liked us. Always had to be the nice guys. We stopped at the liquor store on the way to the party.

“What should we get them?” Josh asked.

“I don’t know, something they aren’t used to. Something classy. Something they’ll truly appreciate. Something that says we aren’t like the creepy guys they’re probably used to getting naked for.”

We bought a bottle of Hypnotiq and headed to the party.

Everyone was there. We set up a chair in the front of the room for Matt. The others were scattered around the living room. A few guys played drinking games at the table in the back. Todd and I sat in chairs along the wall. The time had come. The strippers were moments away. They said they would call when they were close. I stared at my phone.

“Look at what I brought,” Todd said. “Just in case I get lucky.”

He pulled a giant box of condoms out of his backpack.

“These are strippers Todd,” I said. “They’re not coming here to have sex with you. Tell me you understand that.”

“You never know!”

I guarantee the idea of getting laid hadn’t crossed anyone’s mind at the party. Anyone’s mind that is except Todd. He had brought enough condoms with him to start a free clinic. I admired his ambition. Judging by his arsenal Todd believed he was going to have a personal orgy with everyone at the party, pets included. I wish I had that sort of confidence.

The doorbell rang. I hadn’t received a phone call but I still jumped up and jogged to the door to open it. Four guys I had never seen before waltzed inside. They were friends of one of Matt’s younger brothers. I had never met any of them but it didn’t matter. I guess if word gets out you’re going to have tits at your party people come out of the woodwork. The more the merrier. They all sat in the couch in the middle of room. Prime seating but no one else seemed to mind so I wasn’t going to make a stink of it. Most of my friends were a bit shy anyway. Maybe it was better they were on the periphery.

My phone rang.

“Jeremous! We’re right down the road!”

“That’s great we’re ready for you! And it’s Jeremy.”

“Meet us outside Jeremous!”

I didn’t care what she called me at this point. I had been drinking all day so I was feeling pretty Jeremous anyway. I went outside to meet them.

There were four of them. The two dancers crawled out the back of a two-door beater while their two “bouncers” held the seats up for them. The bouncers looked as if they were suffering some sort of famine. Both of them were wearing t-shirts and jorts. One of them sported a teenaged attempt at facial hair. How these guys were protecting the strippers was anyone’s guess but that was none of my concern. One of the bouncers asked to hold my ID to make sure it matched up with the credit card used in the online transaction. I was told I’d get it back when the hour was up. Precautionary measures. Whatever. The only thing these guys took precautions against was eating food.

The two ladies already weren’t wearing much. Both had on boy shorts and cut-off shirts. They had long hair draped over their shoulders. One was blonde, the other brunette. I was pleasantly surprised by the blonde. Like I said earlier, I wasn’t expecting models to show up at the house. I had ordered strippers online. I figure if you’re cybershopping for women to come to your house and take off their clothes, you’re probably happy with no missing teeth, two tits and a nice disposition. The blonde had a warm smile and big green eyes. You could tell she either took good care of herself or enjoyed a lot of cocaine. I went with the latter since she was sniffling like a horse. (Maybe she just had a cold!) I have no idea what her name was so I’ll call her Coco. The other one? She looked like she had been on the circuit for a few years. I don’t want to be insensitive so let’s just say she looked like she had run through a giant wall of dicks just to make it to the party. I’ll call her Vanity. I led the crew inside.

“Hello boys!” yelled Coco. “Are you guys ready to party?”

My crew gave her meager applause. It was going to take some time to warm up. Strippers that made housecalls was a new experience for most (all) of us.

“You’re gonna have to be a lot louder than that guys if you want to party!”

She didn’t say that playfully, it was more threatening.

“Where’s the CD player?” she asked.

I looked around the room. There wasn’t a CD player, stereo or speaker in sight.

“I thought you ladies were bringing the music,” I said.

“We did,” said Coco. “I’ve got a CD. We need something to play it on. Seriously guys?”

I started to panic. How could I have overlooked this? How were we going to have strippers dance without music? May as well rented a couple of topless mimes.

“I’ve got something!”

Josh ran down the hall to his bedroom and came back with this shitty alarm clock/CD player combo. The kind you used to be able to buy at Walgreens for ten bucks. If you turned it up too loud it filled with static and became intelligible. Oh well, these ladies were professionals, right? They would have to make it work.

“Um, okay. Give us five minutes and we’ll get started,” Coco said. Vanity flashed us her traffic accident smile before they both disappeared into the bathroom.

Coco and Vanity came out of the bathroom. They had a little extra pep in their step. Both of them were down to bikinis. Coco put her CD in the player. Candy Shop by 50 Cent began blaring out of the speaker. (Sensual!) With the distortion it sounded like something called Condy Shaps but who gave a shit at this point?

Coco sauntered around Matt in the front of the room. She circled him a couple times then turned her back to him. She played with the strings on her bikini for a couple seconds then flung her top off, revealing some serious investment in her chest. She began to dance for Matt. The problems began almost immediately.

“Give me money, you have to tip me!”

I was holding the wad of dollar bills. Matt had been drinking all day and I’m not even sure he knew where he was at this point. Coco yelling in his face wasn’t going to do any good. He was having a great time but there was no doubt as soon as the strippers left it was going to be bedtime for the bachelor. I peeled off a chunk of bills and handed them to Matt.

Matt began giving Coco the dollars.

“You have to give me more than that!” She was getting aggressive. “Don’t you like what I’m doing? Give me more!”

Matt handed her the rest of the money like a parent doling out allowance. I didn’t blame him.

“That’s better!” Coco stared down the room. “You guys know you have to tip us right? When we’re dancing….TIP US!!!”

She was screaming at all of us, demanding more cash. The single bill business wasn’t going to work for Coco. Vanity didn’t say anything, just kept prancing around the room with her tire irons hanging out. Coco danced for Matt for a little while longer before locking eyes with me. She saw I had the money. She got down on her hands and knees and began to crawl towards Todd and I. She got a few feet from us and leaned back onto her elbows. I thought she was about to crab walk the rest of the way to us. Instead she raised her hips and popped her crotch up and down at us.

“You like this view?” she asked.

“YES!” Todd was sold.

“What about you? Do you like it?”

“Are you okay? Can we slow it down a little?” I asked.

“Well, if you like it,” she rolled over and began to rub her chest on the floor. “You know what to do.”

Todd reached forward.

“That’s not what I mean,” Coco snapped. “Give me money!”

I threw a couple dollar bills on the floor in front of her.

“You have to give me more!”

I tossed about ten more bills at her. We had already put a nice dent in the cash. I was trying to make it last for the entire hour.

“This is what we have,” I showed her the money. “Don’t you want it to last?” So naive.

“No! I want you to give it to me! Now! Give it all to me!”

Coco got up on her knees directly in front of us and began slapping the floor with both hands. She was losing her shit. I didn’t know whether to give her more money or call an exorcist. I looked over and my friend Connor was sitting at the dining room table. Vanity was perched with her elbows on the table and her legs on the chair. She was violently bouncing her ass off his face. Connor was expressionless. I couldn’t tell if he was enjoying it or had a concussion.

“Tip me more!” Coco demanded.

I began tossing bills at her as fast as I could. She raised her body up like a serpent and screamed at me.

“You have to give me ALL THE MONEY!!!”

“Okay!”

I threw the rest of the money up in the air. The bills fell down around her. I didn’t make it rain, she made me weep.

Coco calmed down while she collected the money. Once she picked up all the bills she handed them off to one of the bouncers. Vanity was still walking around the room assaulting my friends with her tonnage. She was committing felonies, not misdemeanors.

Coco made her way back to the front of the room.

“Okay everybody! Who here is ready to have some fun with the bachelor?”

Oh, no.

“Alright Matt, get up here!” Coco demanded.

Matt was comatose. He merely stood up and Vanity tossed his chair aside.

“Now Matt, you’re gonna pull your pants down and bend over! You need a spanking!”

Everyone laughed. My laugh was more out of relief than anything. It wouldn’t of surprised me if Coco pulled out a ten-inch dildo and told Matt to pucker up so a spanking sounded pretty tame to me. Matt was so drilled he didn’t care. He pulled his pants down and the strippers began to spank his bare ass. He just stood there wearing a blackout smile.

Coco and Vanity counted off ten hearty slaps. Matt’s ass was red but he was no worse for wear. They put him back in his seat and kissed him on the cheek. I thought they were sweet to show a bit of tenderness.

“Where’s the best man!?!”

Everybody pointed at me. There was no escape.

“Oh yay it’s Jeremous!” Coco squealed.

“His name is Jeremy!” Todd shouted.

“Fuck off!” Coco yelled back.

I meekly walked to the front of the room. I had my pants down in public plenty of times. One more time wasn’t going to hurt.

“Take your belt off!” Coco demanded.

“Say what? You ladies can just spank me, it’s okay.”

“No! You’re gonna get it!”

Vanity unbuckled me and ripped my belt off. She handed it to Coco.

“Now pull down your pants and bend over!”

This wasn’t cool, but I stared back at my friends and everyone was into it. Guys were laughing and heckling me. Matt was back in his chair and had found the strength to still have one eye open. If me getting my ass whipped with a belt was going to be the cherry on top of this sundae then so be it.

“Just be gentle okay?” I pleaded to Coco.

“Don’t be a pussy!” Coco taunted.

I pulled my pants down and tilted my ass in the air at all my friends. Immediately, the couch crew began chirping.

“We can see your balls! We can see your balls! We can see your balls!” They were overcome with laughter.

Who were these guys? They had two naked women ten feet in front of them and they were concentrating on my low-hanging fruit. How about a little focus? Eyes on the prize boys.

“Are you ready?” Coco teased.

“Lay it on me,” I said.

THWACK!

Coco had the coordination of a drunken toddler. She had reared back and whipped me on the small of my back. Then she did it again. And again. Going up the ladder with each strike. She rattled off a couple more before I had a chance to respond.

I stood up and held my back. All I felt was searing pain up and down my spine.

“Hey! You can tear my ass up not my back!”

That gem set the couch boys off even more. Vanity couldn’t stop laughing. Coco was still dead serious.

“Oh I’m gonna tear it up!” Coco was beside herself. “Just bend over I won’t whip your back again.”

“Seriously don’t. That really hurt.”

“I won’t I swear!”

I bent back over to give her another chance.

THWACK! Coco whipped me in the back of my thighs.

“Oww!” I yelped. I stood upright and turned to her. “You need. To calm. The fuck. Down.”

“Quit being being a titty baby!”

“I’m not a titty baby!” I countered. Strong rebuttal. Debating excellence.

“You’ve got four more to go,” Vanity rubbed it in.

THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

She hit every part of my exposed body but my sweet cheeks.

“Okay, you’re done,” Coco said.

I stood up. Everyone was laughing and carrying on. Coco had left marks.

“What’s my name?” I asked her.

“Jeremous.”

“Fuckin’ right it is. Oh so Jeremous.” I pulled my pants up and whimpered back to my chair.

The party was dying down. Coco and Vanity scurried around and gave some lap dances. Coco wasn’t using her valkyrie scream for money any longer. I remained in my chair and enjoyed a couple more drinks. Matt’s brothers carried him out and gave him a ride home. It had been a great day, a great bachelor party. We had pulled it off.

Coco walked over to me. She straddled my legs, sitting in my lap.

“Sorry for whipping you so hard. You really took it like a man,” she said.

She was buttering me up. I could tell. She already had our money so I didn’t know what she wanted now. I wasn’t going to cheat on my girlfriend but I also had an attractive, topless, batshit crazy woman in my lap. I was drunk. Rolling some asshole lines wasn’t going to be hard. She put my hands on her breasts.

“I have a girlfriend.” I pulled my hands away.

“Who cares?” She put my hands back.

“So Jeremous, do you have any drugs?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t. Sorry.”

“You look like you do drugs.” (Rude!)

“What, you mean like I’ve got that bad boy look? Yeah I get that a lot.”

No one in my entire life has said that to me.

“No, you’ve got those bags under your empty eyes.”

“Empty eyes? You think so? I’m so glad you noticed that. You know I tell people all the time I’ve got empty eyes. It’s like, knock knock…”

I knocked on her tit.

“Who’s there? Nobody! But for real. Funny story. I ate both of my father’s voodoo pills last night and ate all the food in the airport.”

“Give me some pills!”

“I ate them last night.”

She flung my hands off her chest and got off my lap.

“Who here has drugs then?”

“I don’t think anyone does. Someone might have a joint I guess.”

“A joint? Is this middle school party?”

“Dear lord what middle school did you go to? That place has problems.” I was concerned.

“It’s time to go,” one of the bouncers informed Coco.

The ladies collected what little they brought in and walked towards the door.

“Goodbye children!” Coco yelled at us as she left.

There were only a couple of us left.

“You wanna head to a bar?” Josh asked.

I checked my wallet to see if I had any money at all left on me and I noticed my ID was missing. The bouncers had left with it. I wasn’t going to be able to go out but that wasn’t even the worst of it. Have you ever tried to get on a plane without an ID? It wouldn’t of been so frustrating but a devil woman had lifted my ID off me months before in Mississippi.

“And we’re out of beer,” Todd sighed.

“Wait a second!” Josh exclaimed. He opened the freezer. The Hypnotiq!

We built a fire in the backyard. Everybody who was crashing at the house gathered around and took pulls off the bottle. We passed that baby blue bottle around and slapped each other on the back after every chug. We weren’t going to stop until we killed it. Yeah, I know.

“We tamed those kitties didn’t we boys?!?” Connor exclaimed before taking a macho pull off the Hypnotiq. Connor may or may not have suffered a broken nose.

We were all getting older. We knew this. If this was going to be one of our last stands we were going to make it count. We all made promises to each other Matt’s wedding was going to be just as seemingly epic as the day we had just spent together.

“Hey everybody! Watch this!”

There was about a third of the bottle of Hypnotiq left. Todd tilted his head back and chugged the remainder down. He tossed the bottle to the ground and his eyes began to water.

“Alright Todd! Atta boy!” Connor cheered.

Todd dropped to his knees and began vomiting in the fire. Fucking gross. Then he rolled around for a bit and passed out in the yard.

It was going to be a great wedding.